Διαβάστε, απολαύστε, γελάστε και μετά αναρωτηθείτε: μήπως να κάνουμε κι εμείς το ίδιο με την δική μας τράπεζα;
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to
the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I
admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be
commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become. >From now on, I, like you, choose only
to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.